- "Sister/Honey/Buddy can you please do that for me?"
- "Well, I was actually planning on doing something for myself, but for the 5th time this week, yes, I'll do it for you..."
And there it goes again. The same message: "Yes, it's ok, you can invade my space and - in that specific case - my time. That's ok, my time is not that important. Sure, I'll do this for you. See, I'm nice." Well the message isn't that healthy on the second look, I think I am being nice, but in reality, I am being nice to someone else at my own expenses. This is not helping, this is self-sacrifice. And self-sacrifice is not exactly healthy.
There is only so much I am willing to do for you. Beyond that point, you are crossing a line, an invisible line, but a line that actually very well exists for me: my identity. And I am not willing to let you cross that line over and over again. Enough is enough. I respect myself and the limits I set are perfectly healthy and deserve to be respected.
Am I afraid to lose your affection? Are you threatening me of losing your affection? Are you trying to make me feel bad? Are you trying to make me feel guilty? Ashamed? These are really nice emotions you want me to feel! Thank you! Are you trying to control me using these unhealthy emotions? "You would do it for me?" "You did this or that in the past?" Well I thank you for it from the bottom of my heart, but now things are different, I don't feel like taking this any more. I agree, in a relationship, we each have to make compromises. But why would I be the only one making these compromises? Why is it always me? Why does it go only one way? Enough of that. I am actually not scared of losing you. If you keep pushing the limits, crossing my boundaries, it's me I am losing. And I don't want to give up my self-respect and, from now on, if you push too much, the answer is going to be simple: No!
It was everything but easy the first time. I felt conflicted, uncomfortable, guilty. But I knew I had to do it. I had to do it for myself, because I value myself, I respect myself and from now on believe that these boundaries I set deserve to be respected. They are invisible so it my job to make them visible, loud. If you are not willing to respect these boundaries, well maybe you are not a positive influence in my life, and maybe you are right and it is time we stop seeing each other, we put an end to this relationship that is based on taking, you taking advantage of me. Maybe this means it is time for me to stand up for myself and start asking from others that they respect the reasonable boundaries I set.
By doing so, I am embracing a new path. It might be uncomfortable in the beginning, scary, not knowing what is going to happen next. But for now I prefer to be without you than with you not respecting me. From now on, the relationships I want to engage in will be relationships where I feel I am respected.
The steps I took were simple:
1. I took a step back and looked at what it was I was letting happening to me and that I didn't like. I wrote it down.
2. I wrote down what I wanted the new rule, the new boundary to be and promised myself I would stick to it and make sure it would be respected.
3. I made this boundary public - I can't draw limits and expect people to know them if I don't share them with them. I had to make them known. That wouldn't be fair to them otherwise. I didn't need to be aggressive, just assertive.
4. Once the boundaries are made public, I make sure they are being respected. Do I deserve to be respected? Of course I do. I am a human being, I have a history, my own story, my own tastes, my strengths, my weaknesses, all these different elements of my identity that make me unique and as such respectable. I am not trying to impose my way on others, I am just telling you that I deserve and want to be respected.
5. If the rules and limits have been made public and the person keeps disrespecting them, this is time for me to take action, drastic actions, potentially to leave the relationship, at least the situation.
By making the boundary public I am making another announcement public, I am sending another message, a healthy message, something I actually owe to myself: "I respect myself and won't let you not respect me! Why? Because I deserve to be respected! Nothing less." If need be, I will leave the relationship so I can start engaging in healthy relationships, relationships, in which I feel safe, comfortable and respected. An easy lesson? No, but an essential one, a potentially life changing one.
You are mad? Having to respect my boundaries makes you mad? Are you hoping to change my decision using your emotions, trying to impress me with anger? These are your emotions and I am not sure how to understand this. I guess you don't want me to be happy. My happiness seems to bother you. I am starting to doubt the fact, the basic assumption that you want the best for me, or even that my interest, my well-being matter to you. That's really unhealthy, you make my world smaller, you don't help expanding my horizon, what I think the world has to offer me, how the world could be a place for me to expand, fulfill myself. If you change your mind, you can come talk to me but my position won't change, I will stick to these new found boundaries, they make me feel good, worth something. I should have done this a long time ago.
- "Well, I was actually planning on doing something for myself, but for the 5th time this week, yes, I'll do it for you..."
And there it goes again. The same message: "Yes, it's ok, you can invade my space and - in that specific case - my time. That's ok, my time is not that important. Sure, I'll do this for you. See, I'm nice." Well the message isn't that healthy on the second look, I think I am being nice, but in reality, I am being nice to someone else at my own expenses. This is not helping, this is self-sacrifice. And self-sacrifice is not exactly healthy.
There is only so much I am willing to do for you. Beyond that point, you are crossing a line, an invisible line, but a line that actually very well exists for me: my identity. And I am not willing to let you cross that line over and over again. Enough is enough. I respect myself and the limits I set are perfectly healthy and deserve to be respected.
Am I afraid to lose your affection? Are you threatening me of losing your affection? Are you trying to make me feel bad? Are you trying to make me feel guilty? Ashamed? These are really nice emotions you want me to feel! Thank you! Are you trying to control me using these unhealthy emotions? "You would do it for me?" "You did this or that in the past?" Well I thank you for it from the bottom of my heart, but now things are different, I don't feel like taking this any more. I agree, in a relationship, we each have to make compromises. But why would I be the only one making these compromises? Why is it always me? Why does it go only one way? Enough of that. I am actually not scared of losing you. If you keep pushing the limits, crossing my boundaries, it's me I am losing. And I don't want to give up my self-respect and, from now on, if you push too much, the answer is going to be simple: No!
It was everything but easy the first time. I felt conflicted, uncomfortable, guilty. But I knew I had to do it. I had to do it for myself, because I value myself, I respect myself and from now on believe that these boundaries I set deserve to be respected. They are invisible so it my job to make them visible, loud. If you are not willing to respect these boundaries, well maybe you are not a positive influence in my life, and maybe you are right and it is time we stop seeing each other, we put an end to this relationship that is based on taking, you taking advantage of me. Maybe this means it is time for me to stand up for myself and start asking from others that they respect the reasonable boundaries I set.
By doing so, I am embracing a new path. It might be uncomfortable in the beginning, scary, not knowing what is going to happen next. But for now I prefer to be without you than with you not respecting me. From now on, the relationships I want to engage in will be relationships where I feel I am respected.
The steps I took were simple:
1. I took a step back and looked at what it was I was letting happening to me and that I didn't like. I wrote it down.
2. I wrote down what I wanted the new rule, the new boundary to be and promised myself I would stick to it and make sure it would be respected.
3. I made this boundary public - I can't draw limits and expect people to know them if I don't share them with them. I had to make them known. That wouldn't be fair to them otherwise. I didn't need to be aggressive, just assertive.
4. Once the boundaries are made public, I make sure they are being respected. Do I deserve to be respected? Of course I do. I am a human being, I have a history, my own story, my own tastes, my strengths, my weaknesses, all these different elements of my identity that make me unique and as such respectable. I am not trying to impose my way on others, I am just telling you that I deserve and want to be respected.
5. If the rules and limits have been made public and the person keeps disrespecting them, this is time for me to take action, drastic actions, potentially to leave the relationship, at least the situation.
By making the boundary public I am making another announcement public, I am sending another message, a healthy message, something I actually owe to myself: "I respect myself and won't let you not respect me! Why? Because I deserve to be respected! Nothing less." If need be, I will leave the relationship so I can start engaging in healthy relationships, relationships, in which I feel safe, comfortable and respected. An easy lesson? No, but an essential one, a potentially life changing one.
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| Drawing the line... |